pharmawriter

Too many drugs

2007-01-04T11:11:00.000-08:00

Jesus, God in heaven, but there are too many pharmaceutical ads out there.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Sorry, just wanted to see if I could write that without laughing.

My leave of ab-senses has ended, and I plan on firing off a few more shots at the pallid pieces of puke that pollute this nation's proud network and cable airways. But first, I have to embed a few songs for a fellow blogger. Enjoy!

"Alcohol" - Brad Paisley

Country-schmuntry. This song could be played at 2 a.m. in any kind of bar in any town in America, and it would be cheered.

"And I was a Boy from School" - Hot Chip

Mopey, moody English boy disco, and I mean that in the best way.

"Walking with a Ghost" - Tegan and Sara"

I dare you to not remember this song forever.

"Lloyd, I'm ready to be Heartbroken" - Camera Obscura

Love, love this song. Reminds me a little of the Sundays, but more sparkly.

"Brother Lee" - Citizen Cope

Very cool tune from a cool guy. And my 10-year-old likes it, too.

"Me and Mia" - Ted Leo & the Pharmacists

Great song. Sounds a little like Joe Jackson, and it really rocks.

"Mornings Eleven" - The Magic Numbers

Two sets of British siblings, some attended high school in Queens, and they obviously revere the Beach Boys. Good enough for me.

"Stuck Between Stations" - The Hold Steady

This is the best American rock band out there today. Their last 2 albums are massive, they sound like the bastard sons of Cheap Trick, Bruce, Mitch Ryder, and the MC5, and like nobody else in the world. Also amazing live.

To Dream, Perchance to...Well, to Sell Drugs

2006-09-25T14:54:00.000-07:00

This campaign is a topic of debate at the ol’ agency these days. On the one hand, we’re all pretty much in agreement that it’s “creative” and “different.” Some of us are happy that Takeda is giving a big FU to any rules governing unbranded advertising being too close to the branded version. And most everyone likes the beaver (although not everyone agrees that’s what it is).

The thing is, whenever we start talking about the campaign for more than 2 seconds, we inevitably start tearing it apart. The biggest beef by far is:

What the hell is going on?
We all know it’s supposed to be dream subjects/participants who are missing the dreamer who used to visit them. But wha…? Who dreams these dreams? Basically, I’ve come up with 5 main dream themes. And I really can'tseem to shoehorn ol' Schlubby, Abe, Beav, or Major Matt Mason into any of them. And it's too bad, 'cause it would have made the campaign a lot better. Oh, and because I’m lazy, all theme definitions are courtesy of Dreammoods.

1. Falling

“To dream that you fall and are not frightened, signifies that you will overcome your adversities with ease.
To dream that you fall and are frightened, indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem. It may denote that you have failed to achieve a goal that you have set forth for yourself.”

I think it would be nice if one spot featured schlubby guy falling, endlessly, screaming in horror, accompanied by the beaver, also screaming in horror.

2. Flying

“To dream that you are flying, signifies a sense of freedom where you had initially felt restricted and limited.”

Does the astronaut count? No. No flying at all. Bitches.

3. Sleeping with someone

“To dream about sex, refers to the psychological completion and the integration of contrasting aspects of the Self. You need to be more receptive and incorporate aspects of your dream sex partner into your own character.”

Abe Lincoln. Big hands. Tall hat. You know the dude was mad packing. Alas, not in this campaign. Minor points for “beaver” joke, but, on the whole, a swing and a miss.

4. Killing someone

“To dream that you kill someone, indicates that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. You may very well be expressing some anger or hatred toward this person. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill or put an end to an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself how you do not want to be like him or her.”

So ripe. Schlubby guy assassinates Lincoln, abetted by the beaver. They both hang. Do we see it? Hell no.

5. Being naked in public

“To dream that you are naked, denotes the fear of being found out and exposed about your activities and misjudgment.”

Yeah. Guess I have to say thanks to the creative team on this one. Although technically, the beaver is naked.

Forget it, Jake...

2006-09-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

Not a lot of bile or enthusiasm these past few days. I'm sure a long weekend will get me good and riled up. Hey, maybe next week I'll even try to explain the inescapable horror of the detail aid.

Drink up, bitches!

2006-08-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

There are bad drug commercials. There are boring drug commercials. There are unwittingly hilarious drug commercials. And then there’s the Flomax commercial. Watch it here.

"Here’s to men who fish. And golf. And fish. And fish and golf. And drive around in vintage American cars. And then fish and golf some more. And then drink water while they’re fishing and driving and golfing and touching each other an awful, awful lot."

God bless us all, are men capable of anything but fishing and golfing and driving around in Mustang/Corvette/Caddy convertibles? The touching part is okay. Frankly, I'd like to see more man on man touching in pharma ads. Not in a gay way (I'm straight, FWIW), but just for some kind of diversion.

Fuckall…"Here’s to not even trying anymore."

Oh, and the creative team scores a big, honking 12-day boondoggle to South Africa or New Zealand, with helicopter shots and an empty golf course for a playground. Hope you got crabs. Fuckers.

Seasons, Painted Ponies, and Atorvastatin

2006-08-23T11:47:00.000-07:00

Well, apparently we've come full-circle, with a not so insignificant twist. Years ago, pharma advertising was arguably dignified, quiet, and classy, in the Oglilvy mien.

Doctors were gods among men, dispensing common sense and comfort as much as 'ludes and phenobarbitol. Sure, doctors were being used to sell cigarettes, too, but hey, cigarettes were good for you back then.

Then came the golden years. Seldane started it off, and soon everyone was in on the game, flooding the airwaves and magazine pages with all kinds of wondrous imagery. Suddenly, pharma ads could make you laugh, gasp, and even call your doctor to learn more about hyperkeratonitisosis. Until the wolves came to call. The jackals who stalk the boundaries of our cultural campsites. They're comprised of lawyers, yes, but also legislators, public advocates, crybabies, money-grubbers, opportunists, and the like. For brevity's sake, I'll call them the fuckers. The fuckers didn't like the pharma industry getting so rich. And, emboldened by their success against big tobacco, the fuckers leapt at big pharma, tearing off hunks of flesh and retreating to the shadows.

And now, where do we stand? With long, meaningful, painfully earnest shots of real (!) doctors explaining the risks and benefits of prescription drugs. We've got famous doctors, unknown doctors, useless doctors, doctors who pretend not to be whoring themselves out, and doctors who don't give a damn when the money's good. It's the curse of the sales video times 1000. Now any thought leader worth his or her salt isn't demanding script approval for your new lunch 'n' learn DVD, no, he or she is ten feet tall and bulletproof right there on your high-def screen. The only thing is, side effect profiles and major statements have been dissected and parodied nine ways to Sunday, from Leno to Letterman to seven thousand schmoes on YouTube. So the doctor just looks like...

And still nobody's listening. Which is pretty much what we want to happen, of course, but a lot less fun for the creatives.

We wanted to use a python for Viagra...

2006-08-16T06:43:00.000-07:00

What is it with animals? Okay, I can understand the Biaxin bulldog. Not everyone likes that one, but I get it. Plus, it's a real cute bulldog. But people, please. If I see a friggin' tiger in the hospital, I'm on too many meds already.

And I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant is ri-god-damned-diculous, 10,000 percent.

This confuses me, so I must be dumb. But are the terrifying freak-animals supposed to be the threat, or the efficacy?

And this one just kinda creeps me out and makes me never, ever, want to visit Australia.

What we do? Hey, Bill! What we do?

2006-08-15T11:34:00.000-07:00

Looking to define your philosophy? Desiring to carve out your niche in the industry? Trying to say something other than “we do pretty much what the other agencies do, only in an office decorated with old airplane parts.” Then jump right in, my friend, and dig into the Pharma Agency Cliché Buffet™. Pick and choose! Mix and match! Close your eyes and cut and paste! Your agency philosophy is in here somewhere:

A first-of-its-kind global healthcare network. Clients count on us to create vivid and compelling messages using a variety of media. Healthcare Marketing E-Defined. This unique organizational structure enables us to deliver full integrated, truly customer-centric service across all communication channels and disciplines. We combine strategic thinking with interactive technologies to maximize the reach, relevance and return of all your marketing efforts. Our work spans the spectrum of every marketing discipline for every target audience and we have a unique ability to provide innovative, cost-cutting healthcare solutions and a real return on investment. Has developed the science messaging for more than 30 major pharmaceutical product launches in 15 therapeutic categories. A hands-on partner, but more importantly, our heads and hearts are in it too. Thinking to the Power of Three. We define and create successful outcomes to maximize brand potential and connect with the challenges of midsize brands. Our talent pool is ideally balanced to consistently produce award-winning, strategically sound, branded communications for both professional and DTC markets. Has a single worldwide P&L and executive management team. Our business is to grow your business with strategically driven marketing communications programs that are inspired, in touch and on target. We are the one agency that is uniquely experienced, organized, and staffed to build and manage truly global, fully integrated brands. Programs that vividly portray your company, products and services to their best advantage. A full-service advertising agency that offers clients big agency experience without big agency bureaucracy. We blaze the way with Rites & Rituals, Belief Briefs, Global Waves, and Brand Arcs. So whatever your healthcare communications needs, we can proudly say, "Been there. Done that. Succeeded." Our vision: to become our clients’ indispensable business partner by harnessing the best brainpower and talent – across disciplines and across the globe – to drive our clients’ business to ever-greater levels of success. From this passion comes advertising that goes beyond simply selling our clients’ products. Concepts that are tastefully presented with just the right appeal, sophistication and persuasion. We believe in providing a "higher standard of care" to our clients, translating key insights into essential ROI. From this passion comes advertising that also enhances the value of our clients’ brands. We provide unparalleled strategic thinking and knock- your- socks- off creative to help clients solve their marketing problems. The first science communication agency. We work by creating a strong link between client, agency, and customer. There is an unbridled enthusiasm around everything that we do - all with the goal of building a team with the passion and drive to create success for our clients and their brands. However, we recognize that producing work that is considered creative is meaningless unless it is the result of spot-on strategic planning. We offer a definite point of view and are passionate about our clients’ businesses. The explosive growth of our clients’ brands, as well as the growth of our agency, has been a direct reflection of our strategic capabilities. We see marketing challenges as opportunities to innovate and excite—both strategically and creatively. We're a full-service professional and consumer advertising agency filled with talented, spirited freethinkers who have launched, built, and revitalized some of the biggest brands in the industry. Think of us as an extension to your marketing staff. We take your business personally and we seek to be a significant contributor to your success. Every client, regardless of size or spend level, receives our full dedication and commitment.

Mmmmm...

It wasn't a going problem, it was a growing, er...glowing, er...

2006-08-08T13:01:00.000-07:00

What I wish was the rationale behind this ad:

Creative #1: What are we, 7th to the market?
AE: No way! We're 5th.
Creative #2: How about something Blue Velvety, very moody and hard to read?
AE: Market research was kinda...
Creative #1: Die, fucker!
[Creative #1 shoots AE in the stomach]
AE: Aieee!
Creative #1: Die slow!
Creative #2: ...or we can get a celebrity...
AE: Gawp...Mother?
Creative #1: Naw...5th into the market, no budget, no hope.
Creative #1/Creative #2: Glowing pill!
AE: I like it...so thirsty...

Reality, of course, is slightly different:

"Dramatic lighting and the elegant black and gold (representing the gold standard of treatment) heralds the long-awaited arrival of Omacor for the treatment of elevated triglyceride levels. Backed by a "body of evidence" the only prescription omega-3 fatty acid is now available: New Omacor from Reliant Pharmaceuticals."

I couldn't have parodied it any better.

Sooo thirsty...

For the record, my pants are not on fire

2006-08-04T07:05:00.000-07:00

I want to lie. I want to lie soooo bad. I want to tell the biggest whopper this county has ever heard. I want to be the teller of the tall tale, the flinger of the fish story, the bambino of the bamboozle.

Alas, I work in advertising, and thus I am compelled to tell the truth.

Sorry, make that pharma advertising. And I apologize if you were drinking anything which is now sprayed on your monitor.

As I was fact-checking and annotating a printed piece yesterday (such fun, remind me to tell you about it someday), I was reminded of the many awesome -- wait, make that AWESOME, DUDE -- commercials I've seen lately, where people sky-dive to work, where cars always start on the first try, SUVs and pickup trucks are touted as having "gas-saving" engines, and what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. God, those must be fun to write.

No fair balance. Minimal legalese. No side effects.

Cue dream music and wavy screen effect...

Cracker: "It's got a hemi and gas-saving MDTXP technology!"
Announcer: "The Dodge Durango is not for everyone. The most common side effect of the Dodge Durango is driving like an asshole. Other side effects include patriotic bumper stickers, listening to Creed, drinking Coors Light, assaulting Little League umpires, hemmorhaging money at the gas pump, and the wearing of jorts."

AVO #1: "Wanna wake up your smile? Then get extreme with (insert toothpaste name here)."
AVO #2: "If you are not already attractive and outgoing, this toothpaste will not help you get laid."

End of dream music...

Oh, and remember, you can't show anything during the fair balance that might distract the viewer from listening to every word, so...make it boring!

Okay, now wake up...

So bitter, so early.

2006-07-27T12:57:00.000-07:00

The Under-Over-Promise?

2006-07-26T08:17:00.000-07:00

This one makes my teeth itch.
"We'll make your ad as memorable as Gandhi!"
And I guess that is a lofty, well-meaning ambition. But it really doesn't capture the pharma-ad gestalt. What with so many agencies promoting BIG ideas and BIG thinking and BIG results, with BOLD colors and IN YOUR FACE graphics and EYEBROW-RAISING content, I think the quiet, introspective, pacifist subject is missing the boat. You want to make a statement? Use Hitler.

I love the 80s

2006-07-25T17:45:00.000-07:00

So I'm leafing through the latest "Agency" issue of Medical Marketing & Media, and on the whole, we're really getting better, folks. There are a few truly nice ads, and the majority are at least better than ass. Not a whole lot of praise, I know, but you should have seen past years.

That being said, there were more than a few that recalled those craptacular days of yore, none more so than this trio of lovelies.

The first two, well, Jesus Christ on the Cross Island Parkway, people, were you going for the whole nostalgia thing? 'Cause these ads were very hip in the late 80s/early 90s. Oh, wait, I guess that would make them ALREADY DONE. AS IN DEAD AND GONE. So please, please, leave the trees alone. Trees are not lungs, or brains, or vascular systems, or strong family values. Trees are trees. Clouds are not trees, thankfully. But neither are they LUNGS. I can't go on. Blood pressure, you know.

As for the third. Oy, gevalt. Reminiscent of the infamous "nail man" ad from way back. Sucked back then, too.

Some times I think I'd honestly rather see an all-type, heavy on the info ad rather than another friggin' cliche dredged up from the "gool ol' days." Until then, may a lung-shaped tree fall on the heads of those responsible for these suck-fests, causing them to break into a million delicious chocolate pieces.

2006-07-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

So why is it, exactly, that so many drug ads look alike? Surely there must be some talent out there, some creative team that can rise above and deliver something truly memorable, something truly different. Well, yes, there are a few.

But for the most part, the rest are all down here in hell. And hell is closely, fiercely, ruthlessly guarded by the 3-headed beast known as Legal/Regulatory/DDMAC. And a fouler-smelling monstrosity has yet to be found in all of Satan’s dominions.

Head-the-first: Legal
Not your basic advertising lawyer, who okays a commercial which implies a truck can survive a nuclear blast, or a sports car can climb a tree, or a product of any kind can make you sexy, as long as there’s a tiny disclaimer buried below the safety at the bottom of the screen. No, the legal head of our beloved mongrelbeastie is employed for the sole purpose of preventing some quarter-brained Alabama fucktard from suing any pharmaceutical company for any reason whatsoever based on something he or she saw or heard in a drug ad. That’s why nobody ever runs (can’t promise the ability to run) or shows any kind of tangible improvement other than the ability to exit their fabulous apartment, walk down a few stairs, and head to the park or beach for a little tai chi. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, the lawyers shoot down anything that approaches aggressive copy, intelligent art design, or good advertising. So you get pablum. And nobody ever sues pablum. Yet. There’s still time, Alabama.

Head-the-second: Regulatory
Your all-purpose, basic, regulatory quote: “All I’m saying is, I need some kind of back-up for when the FDA questions this claim.”
That’s it. That’s regulatory. The FDA’s little bitch. Just you try to word a claim in a new way. Even though you’ve got the data to back it up, some regudrone will red stamp it because it’s their fucking nature to do so, not because they take the time to read, learn, absorb, calculate…

Head-the-third: DDMAC
There’s not enough time, nor space, nor…anything…to allow the collective hatred of the pharma advertising creatives to froth out regarding the Division of Drug Marketing, Advertising, and Communications. This is the giant, morbidly obese tyrant who reclines on his cushions, day after day, gorging himself on fruits and sweets, ravaging the minions who come to petition him, and reveling in his ability to say “no.” No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no like some petulant punk puissant piqued at his prurient pustulence.

And there’s no appeals process. If DDMAC don’t like your ad, they tell you a: change it before you run it, or b: pull it. And that’s that. Defy them at your own risk. “Oh, you say you’d like a new drug approved? Oh, but you were naughty when promoting your last drug, so…no. Wait awhile, and maybe I’ll change my mind.”

Bitches.

And that’s why we see so many “active” older people doing tai chi on the fucking beach.

You're gonna eat lightning...

2006-07-05T16:26:00.000-07:00

This is another cliche that just rubs me the wrong way a lot more than it really should (just so you know I know I'm being irrational). That being said, for fuck's sake, can we just move past this? Rocky did this in friggin' 1976. But he earned it. He got up at half past fuck-all, swallowed his raw eggs, and ran his ass across Philly and UP THOSE STAIRS. So who the fuck are you to be throwing your hands up in the air? You just served a tennis ball? Fuck you!

Now, granted, there are pharmaceutical drugs that can make you feel like Rocky. Only they don't advertise.

The Frighteners

2006-06-27T07:37:00.000-07:00

Your average doctor has endured the rigors of medical school, the trauma of a rotation in the ER, observations of countless surgeries, and years of treating illness and injury, both mundane and catastrophic. So why do pharmaceutical advertisers still think they have to try and scare doctors? At least, that’s what these ads seem to be attempting.

For everyone’s sanity, I’ve omitted the ad with the spiders where a person’s eyes should be. But cotton? With all the putrid, repugnant…shit that these men and women have seen issuing from every conceivable bodily orifice, you chose cotton? Okay, maybe the lyssophobic* will drop the magazine and run screaming, but the rest?

Likewise the giant eye. What is this, the 50s? Thank you, Steve Reeves, for carrying that squishy menace out of our fair city and into the radioactive desert from which it sprang…er, slithered? Rolled? Bounced?

The last ad, however, is truly disturbing, and would most likely scare the living shit out of anyone, medical professional or not. That being said, there is a possible benefit. Does Benzaclin® apply itself to the face? I guess if you can take the punch, your zits will be popped, jabbed, zapped, “bip-bip-bam”-ed…oh, forget it. When I get scared, I babble. And that ad scares me. So, good job, agency. Mission accomplished.

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lyssophobia

Starting blind

2006-05-08T09:39:00.000-07:00

Since I have no idea what I'm doing, I'll keep this brief. I'm a writer, with a (hee-hee) specialty in pharmaceutical advertising. Yes, those loveable folks who bring you walks on the beach, dogs doing tai-chi, and old people and their dogs doing tai-chi on the beach. And for those of you familiar with professional (to the physician, not the patient) pharma advertising, the lovely folks who bring you the giant lucite head, the tree-lungs, and the ever-popular "Hello, my name is DISEASE" ad. If the money wasn't so damn good, I'd kill myself and every other soul doing this devil's work. Now, allow me to figure out what I've gotten myself into, and I'll get good and riled up about pharma advertising.